LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF THIS!!!!!

“Be positive!”
“Look on the bright side!”
“You gotta find the silver lining”
Really!?? REALLY!?!?!

You know what? When I’m in a bad mood, that shit doesn’t help. Having a friend look at me with a sympathetic smile, you know, the kind normally reserved for ugly puppies and homely babies and say ... “don’t think like that, be positive” - man if that doesn’t make me wanna smack those little rose colored glasses right of their face.

C’mon, it would feel good, right?
SMACK!!!! .. “No don’t cry, be positive about that. Look on the bright side of THAT. You find the silver lining on the back of my fucking hand!!?”

Oh they mean well. We all do, with our friends, most of the time right? I’ve been that guy too, sitting on my little exaulted throne of “being happy,” looking down on friends shackled to their own pissy moods. I’ve reached out my hand to say ... “come with me, its easy, look on the bright side.” That’s what friends do. But its not always the right thing.

How about .. “go on be pissed, punch something, punch someone (just not me - or yeah me if your a real good friend), scream, break shit, brood for a bit, be pissy.” That would help I think. My therapist thinks it would, but what does he know, besides the fact that a neurotic, self loathing actor type like who pays him $120 an hour will NEVER run out of material.

So why am I pissed? Today??? Just frustrated. FRUSTRATED. We all know that chasing a dream is difficult .. for one thing, dreams are intangibles, like ghosts, but not the kind that can easily be understood with the help of a young, creepy, Haley Joel Osmet type. And shit, its just difficult, if it weren’t everyone would be chasing their dreams. Everyone. And most don’t .. to paraphrase Sanford Meisner “congratulate yourself for being in the less than 1% of all people who decide to chase their dreams.” Yeah, congratulations ... give me a fucking trophy why don’t you.

So what about today?.. well I didn’t get the role. Yeah, boo freakin hoo. I knew it was a long shot, but it was a long shot that I was in the running for. They say grab the bull by the horns, well that fucker’s tail was within my reach and even though smart money would bet against me, sometimes stupid money wins right? Not today.

Today I got an e-mail from my agent, little different from the weekly e-mail updates she had been sending me, e-mails like... “the good news is, its between you and two other guys, the bad news is they won’t know for a week,” this went on and on for a month. But today’s e-mail .. “you were still in it as of last week, on Saturday they cast it.” The guy - a little younger, a little taller, but with a helluva lot more credits, real credits, real film credits not little low or no-budget indie wannabe films, but a guy with an actual career, a guy who managed to grab the tail of that fucking bull, climb on back and go for the horns. Here’s the kicker, the e-mail concludes with “they wanted me to pass along that they think you are extremely talented.”

That’s great. I know, part of me does appreciate it, part of me thinks, “wow that is great." If they mean it. That's right, IF THEY MEAN IT. This is Hollywood people, rarely do people say what they mean and mean what they say. "Be positive," you may be tempted to say, just as I may be tempted to let my hand fly, so don't alright. But ok, fine, I'll be positive, what if they did mean it? Well, for fuck's sake that compliment and a buck won’t even get me a latte at Starbuck’s. Right? Right?

C'mon man, don't think like that, “Look on the bright side.” That's what my friends will continue to say. And no, I won't smack em, I'll fight the urge, cause the thing is I’m lucky to have em. But, for now, I just wanna be able to throw a tantrum, to be angry, to vent, to curse to the heavens and let that shit all out. And I guess I have.
With this.
For now.
Thanks for that.

The Witching Hour

I've always had a fondness for the phrase "the witching hour" but knew little of it beyond the fact that it referred to the hour between midnight and one a.m. (though apparently Gypsy's refer to it as the hour from one a.m. till two) when bad, magical and/or scary stuff went down. But I didn't know that most people attribute its introduction into the English language (I have the strong desire to write "its introduction into the English lexicon" but do not know if such phrasing would be proper, so I shall move on) was in 1835 by Washington Irving in a short story:

"Two pairs of eyes are watching me now, from the couch and the ledge by the window. Faerieland shines in those eyes. And I must leave you, for it's the witching hour and a full moon is rising. . . ."

Apparently, however Mary Shelly used the phrase first in 1817 in the introduction to Frankenstein:"Night waned upon this talk, and even the witching hour had gone by before we retired to rest."

A variation of the phrase, however, was used even earlier than that, by the Bard himself. That's right, good ole Willy S wrote this in his golden oldy HAMLET:

Tis now the very witching time of night,
When churchyards yawn and hell itself breathes out
Contagion to this world: now could I drink hot blood,
And do such bitter business as the day
Would quake to look on.
[Act III, sc. ii]

Know how I know all this stuff?? Wikipedia. That's right, Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.
Check it out for yourself http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Witching_hour

Is it true and accurate? Maybe, seems pretty accurate. Don't really care, just think its kinda cool information. See, this is how it all went down ...

I was sound asleep tonight, sleeping like a baby - a baby doped up on some hot and steamy THERAFLU. Yeah, seems I have "that cold" that's "going around" the LA Area. (Isn't it great, anytime anyone gets a cold, someone is bound to say "oh, yeah, its been going around" as if this is news, its a cold and/or a flu, both are viral in nature and both are contagious, so yes THEY GO AROUND. And while I may not be a doctor (of medicine, no, of law, perhaps, of love, oh baby you know it ... ok, actually no) I think its safe to assume that at any point in time there are more than just a couple DIFFERENT cold and/or flu viruses actually going around). So as I said, I was sound asleep, until, of course I woke up. Lying in bed, realizing may status of being one of the awoken, I said to myself "wonder what time it is, I bet its 4 a.m." Lucky for me I didn't just have to lay there, wondering, I didn't have to search the heaven's for some night time celestial counterpart to the sun dial, I just had to look to my left and see the clock. What did it say? Well it didn't say anything, its a clock, and its not one of those fancy "I'll announce the time type clock" which I imagine are very helpfull for the blind and people who are too lazy to read. No it didn't say anything, but it told me volumes. OK, not volumes. It read 4:00. Am I psychic? NO. Psychotic, perhaps. You see, I've had a habit lately of waking up at 4 am, for no particular reason. Sometimes I just wake up. Sometimes I have to hit the little wrangler's room. Sometimes I'm hungry. Sometimes, once a month, I transform into a wolf and prowl the countryside looking for victims - ok, maybe I made that up.

This isn't only a recent phenom (abbreviated not to seem cool and hip, but because I'm too tired to spell it correctly, not that I've ever let bad spelling get in my way), I periodically woke up on or about 4 a.m. last year from time to time.

So this time, at 4 a.m., when the clock told me the time while not actually speaking, I said to myself "4 a.m. is my witching hour." This then compelled me to look up the phrase witching hour and then ramble on and on in this blog for you. Your welcome.

I'm going back to bed.

My New Computer

OK, so I gave in. I relented. My will gave in to my covetous nature. I purchased a MACBOOK PRO. Yep. Laptop. Pretty big deal. Here is what I've done with it so far.

I hope to use it more.

But not, for porn.

Honestly, not for porn.

Really.

All I Wanted Was You??

Been a while since I posted anything, was thinkin "I should write sumpin, get the new year started right if not a week late." But I wasn't sure what I wanted to write. I'm thinkin about a writing book entitled "It's not my fault I'm better than you" but I'm not sure how that one would go over - though my therapist would give me gold stars for doing it.

Anyhoo, I was driving around listening to the album from 30 Seconds To Mars, you know, Jared Leto's band. I know, I know .. another pretty boy actor making believe he's a rock star ... Keanu Reeves with DOGSTAR, Russell Crowe with 30 ODD FOOT OF GRUNT .. why do actors who play in rock bands pick the silliest of names???? Anyhoo, besides the silly name, there really is no comparing Mr. Leto's band with the others cause they're pretty good. I'm not a huge fan, don't know if I like more than 2 or 3 songs on the album, but its pretty good.

I'm getting off point, I'm not writing about Mr. Leto's band as much as the song THE KILL. You've prolly heard it if you listen to popular rock stations ... its loud, its slick, there's some screaming, actually lots of screaming, etc... I'm not exactly sure everything he's saying in the song, but clearly he's all worked up about a woman (ok, maybe a man, that's cool, I don't judge) that he's in love with or was in love with who's breakin his heart and/or killing him (though I don't think literally). When he's at the peak of his emotional outburst, he screams at the top of his lungs (with, no doubt, the aid of some slick production values):

"I am finished with you, look in my eyes, your killing me killing me, ALL I WANTED WAS YOU."

Wow. All I wanted was you. Simple. Heartbreaking really. Have you ever felt that way? We see it in movies, tv, read it in books (for those who actually read, and by the way, thank you), that someone is so very clear on what they want in life and what they want, all they want, is this one person. ALL I WANTED WAS YOU. I've never said it. I've never felt it. I have to be honest here, I've been in love, head over heels in love, can't sleep, can't eat, making myself sick in love, but never have I thought or felt "ALL I WANTED WAS YOU."

It's beautiful in it's simplicity no? The idea that another person makes you so happy that she is all that you want. You don't want anyone else. You don't want that cute co-worker you've been flirting with. You don't want the girlfriend that got away. You don't want that big promotion at work, the big house, the bmw, the playstation3. No you don't really want any of that, all you want is her.

I think its a much more powerful statement than "You're all I need" which I'm sure has been in a song or 2000. Because, lets be honest, there are things that we need. Food, clothing, shelter, internet access, multiple vapid entertainment news channels, reality television shows, pictures of Ms. Spears without underwear. These things we need, so it would be naive to say, "I ONLY NEED YOU." But in a world of wants and wanting, where every day we break the commandment "THOU SHALL NOT COVET," where you ask any person what they want and they can give you a list of anything and everything from clothes to cars to power to money to self respect, for someone to say (and actually mean) that ALL I WANT(ED) WAS YOU. Wow.

I don't think I'll ever be that guy. I do my best to make sure I make myself happy (no, please, dirty birds, we're not talking about masturbation). The way I see it, I make myself happy with everything, then I'll be ready to have that someone special pop in and join in the festivities (again, don't be dirty). But can you imagine being the person that wants nothing but to be with that someone special? Putting all your eggs in that one basket (and by basket I mean hot piece of ass)? I don't think it advisable, but its' pretty damn romantic? Realistic, not so much, ill advised, likely, but romantic, certainly.

Reflections on Turkey Day

Last year, on Thanksgiving, I wrote the following post:

So here we are again. Thanksgiving. A day to give thanks. The day to give thanks, as if we shouldn't give thanks every other day ... but yes, today's the day to give thanks.

A particularly weird one for me, first time I'm not spending it with my family or future family. Future family? What the hell does that mean? Well. I'll say it like this, at this time last year, on Thanksgiving, my stomach was in knots as I asked my girlfriend's father for his blessing, for permission to propose. No, not to him, to his daughter, my girlfriend. Permission was granted, though he likely regrets that now ... see, because the next day I followed through with my stated intentions - I proposed, and she said yes. We were in her home town, it was the day after thanksgiving, it was our 3 year anniversary, it was perfect.

Here I am, a year later, she's moved away, I now have roommates -- roommates that aren't her -- the engagement broken, the wedding cancelled, the only anniversary to be celebrated merely the calendar passing of a former anniversary. And to top it all off, I can't go home to see my family because of work. I know, I know boo freakin hoo for me, I'm just saying. And I don't know who the hell I'm justifying this too, since I'm pretty sure I'm the only guy reading this.

I'm still thankfull, for everything, for life, for love, for love lost, for family, friends, health etc.. I'm just saying ... This is the first time in a long time, perhaps ever, that thanksgiving is just another day. Albeit a day where I can eat and drink as much as I want and watch football with out feeling too bad about it. I'm willing to bet, however, i will feel bad.

here's to you, here's to turkey day, here's to next year's celebration being a bit better.

Yeah, I know, boo freakin hoo.
__________________________________


As I posted "here's to next year's celebration being a bit better," I’m back to evaluate whether it was. Or wasn't. Cause I'm sure you are dying to know. And by YOU I mean Me cause I'm the only person reading this trash. And yes, yes, I can insult my own ranting.

I visited my family for thanksgiving. Not my entire family - not the uncles, the aunts, the cousins whom you claim you want to see more of but really don’t. The people to whom you have spent countless hours with throughout your lifetime just because you sprouted from a singular family tree. (this is not to say I don't like my relatives, I like many of them, there are some, however, I would prefer not to spend time with, and still others I will, to this day, deny I have any relation too) Not even my entire nuclear family (I like referring to them in terms of WMD's because sometimes, shit blows up) because while I went to Connecticut to see most of my siblings some did not join us in the joyous celebration of the day in which the Pilgrims began infecting the Native Americans with their English viruses.

My Dad did not join us - he was spending the holiday with his new wife. In North Carolina. Because he loves her more than us. NO that's not true, or maybe it is, but the man wanted to stay home and, more than likely, have sex with his new wife (and when I say new wife I mean new to him, not necessarily new, he didn't go out and marry some young bimbo which is to his credit, according to some schools of thought), but methinks he wanted to avoid the other WMD's all gathered together. My one sister, who lives down south, thought it was TOO MUCH to travel all the way from NC (do I complain that I traveled from Los Angeles? But she has 3 kids. Is that really my fault? Is it my fault I'm single with no kids and only half a life on a good day?). So she had a relaxing turkey day. And good for her. And my brother. No he didn't come. He's a Jehovah’s Witness and while I'm unsure of the tenants of that religion, I'm gonna assume that one of them outlaws the eating of turkey, or stuffing, or pie. So its only natural that he would not join us for the pagan holiday of Thanksgiving. But, I'm the youngest of 6 so even though the non-pagan, the newlywed and the stress queen couldn't make it, the rest did. But was it fun? Was it better than last year?

It was. It was different. But good. When you’re young, holidays are a blast. The family gets together and if the family is as much fun as mine CAN be, its great. But when your older, holidays act like a magnifying glass on your life. That's not quite right, they don't just magnify, they intensify everything. Your relationships. Your lot in life. Your view of others' lives. Relationships, etc...

My nieces and nephews are all getting bigger and smarter than me. I can see that in their eyes I am transforming from the cool, fun uncle to the sad, dorky, lonely, old guy who can still make them laugh while he cries on the inside.

My sisters still tend to treat me like the baby of the family. And no, its not because I'm wearing diapers, but because I am the youngest. Along with that, I consistently get the "oh yes, Thomas was mom's favorite," jokes and jabs. And you know what, if my siblings do feel that I was "the favorite" I'm sure that must feel awful, but here's a news flash - its not my fucking fault so back the fuck off. (thank you, I feel better)

But I love them all and, while I wonder why they should, think they feel the same about me - how could they not - I'm the favorite.

But it does intensify your look on life. I have no problem being single - I'm in my 30's, never married, obviously I'm quite good at being single. What I mean to say is, I don't need to be married to be complete. But during the holidays, when I look around and see everyone's families, there is a part of me that thinks ... I'm not part of the club and I never will be. I'm not too sure how I feel about that. It does remind me of what mom used to say, "I fear you'll never be married, but you'll never be lonely," and while I could offer up a couple married people who are in fact lonely - thanks to a bad marriage, it makes me wonder if she was right about me. Is that so bad?

Who knows people? Who knows?

All in all it was a good thanksgiving. But do you wanna know what was best about it? The love? No. The food? No. The laughter? Nope. The memories? Nope. ER. Yep. ER. We all gathered round the television to watch the VERY SPECIAL ER, where a bus crashes and Dr.Abby saves people and John Stamos doesn't shave. And the reason why it made the holiday best, cause there was this new character on it ... I think his name was "DANNY," a new helicopter EMT, and I don't know, there was something about that guy that made me happy. Made us all happy. Made us thankful for stuff and hopeful for the future.

Thank you Danny.

Thanks for everything.

The Frat of Borat

I finally saw "Borat" and yes its funny. Its real freakin funny and smart and I laughed harder than I have in a movie in a long, long time. Its also a movie that made me physically uncomfortable ... I mean, I always knew there were a lot of idiots in our country - racist, discriminatory, homophobic, sexist idiots - out there in our country but I'm always amazed at those who unabashedly show their true colors on camera. And when they do, it makes me uncomfortable. My body tenses and tightens and contorts into positions I am not quite accustomed to as I watch these people do and say these awful and yet hilarious things on camera. It's bad enough that certain people have the capacity to think and feel so outrageously, but to give words and actions to those thoughts, those feelings ... ON CAMERA. HOLY CRAP. HOLY CRAP. It’s amazing. It blows my mind.

What’s even better? Some of these people (and by "these people" I'm not being discriminatory, I'm referring to those people portrayed in "BORAT") have come forward claiming the film "shows them in an unflattering light." Specifically, two gentlemen (and I'm using the term "gentlemen" with distinct sarcasm) have filed suit against the makers of the film claiming that they were tricked into participating in the movie, and that the movie made them “the object of ridicule, humiliation, mental anguish and emotional and physical distress...” These two GENTLEMEN, fraternity boys, are in the film getting drunk, riding in an RV with Borat, and spewing idiotic drunken jerk statements. it just so happens that the statements are overwhelmingly racist and sexist.

How dare these idiots bring this lawsuit? How dare their attorney(s) represent them in this case? I understand waivers and consent and all that crap. I may even go with you when you argue that a person cannot be held to a contract executed while they are drunk. But these guys, these GENTLEMEN, they didn't sign a contract for the purchase of a home - they agreed to go on film. And drink. And talk. And make asses out of themselves. By the looks of the movie, they were having a good ole time ... getting loaded, mugging for the camera, spewing drunken idiotic philosophies on women and minorities that, I'm fairly certain, these guys spew on a regular basis either under the influence or not. They were clearly putting on a show, trying to be funny and clever (which is scary as they were neither). They wanted their shot in the spotlight, and they got it, and the light was NOT flattering. Now they claim they are "the object of ridicule, humiliation, mental anguish and emotional and physical distress ..." good, they should be. Maybe they shouldn't have agreed to go on film. Maybe they should have stopped drinking. Maybe they shouldn't be ignorant college fraternity house stereotypes.

Who knows what will happen. Hopefully the million dollar 20th Century Fox attorneys will sink this loser of a lawsuit before it picks up any steam. Maybe they'll take it to trial and spend weeks showing a jury that the guys who were portrayed as idiots in BORAT are actually idiots in real life. Maybe they'll want to avoid trouble and settle, paying these guys a little something to make them go away, buy more liquor, and reward themselves for being on the bottom of the food chain. Shit people, maybe these guys will get their own tv show. Wouldn't that be funny?

23 Flavors !?!?!?!? I MUST HAVE IT

Have you seen the new Dr. Pepper commercials?? The ones touting the fact that it has 23 flavors. YES, 23 flavors. And, apparently, because it has 23 FLAVORS, you should drink it. It'll make you happy. It'll make life better. In fact, if we are to believe the commercials, just drinking it is liable to make you obsessed with a certain number - yup, you guessed it 23.

Is anyone else confused by this campaign? They don't tell us WHAT the flavors are, just that there are 23 of them. In fact, you can't know what those flavors are ... it’s a freakin secret. On the Dr Pepper website (yes, I have no life), in response to the question ... "what is the flavor of Dr Pepper supposed to be" the response is "Dr Pepper is a unique blend of 23 flavors. The formula for Dr Pepper is proprietary information," which means, in layman's terms, "mind your own freakin business." But, for some reason, the ad campaign gods decided that the public will buy this product, simply by knowing it has 23 flavors. Despite the fact that we don't know what the hell those flavors are.

I've had Dr Pepper, even had it when it still contained punctuation, and it’s a lovely drink. Not quite cola, not quite the un-cola, but something different. I might even venture to say it’s unique. I enjoy its overall flavor. I'm not much of a soda drinker - unless it’s accompanied by a fair dose of bourbon - but if I had to drink soda, I could do worse then the good Doctor. I certainly don't enjoy it because its distinct flavor is created by some alleged cornucopia of flavors to be named later. Truth be told, the fact that it took 23 mysterious flavors to create Dr Pepper is a little disconcerting. 23 is a big number. That's a lot of flavors. Don't you think there is a great possibility of some questionable flavors being a part of that mix?

I have no information to support this, I'm just guessing, I'm pontificating perhaps, this has no basis in fact (so don't sue me), but don't you wonder if maybe, in addition to some commonish soda type ingredients like cherry, vanilla, apple, chocolate, lemon, and lime, there may be some unwelcome flavors such as: liver; potting soil; snozzberries; jimmy's dirty socks; sour grapes; raw squid; the taste of regret? And do you wanna drink that? I don't. But if putting some traditionally nasty flavors together with "more traditional" flavors creates something good .. maybe that's ok. I don't know about that.

But I do know that more is not necessarily better. Not all the time. I'm a big fan of lots of mores ... more money, more power, more sex, more of anything? More of everything. And in the right circumstance Michael Moore and in the proper vehicle, Mandy Moore. But in this case I find it puzzling. Its like they are saying ... "Why by Coke or Pepsi with their handful of flavors when you can have Dr. Pepper ... we have 23 FLAVORS, 23." Can't they just say "hey man, our shit tastes good, its different, its original, drink it, or don't, go screw yourself." But no, they are trying to appeal to the "it has more, it must be better" school of thought. That doesn't always work.

I was gonna conclude this rant by discussing how going the "bigger is better" route usually ends with something largely unsatisfying .... the cinematic fiasco CLEOPATRA is an example, Walter Hudson another, the HUMMER. I would consider that sometimes "less is more" but we all know that, and then someone would likely respond, "well of course you'd say that, your IRISH." And then I would wrap the whole thing up with a witty and clever sentence that leaves the reader totally satisfied. But I'm tired. If you want satisfaction, buy a Snickers. And while your eating it, enjoying its chewy, peanuty, caramel, chocolate experience, you can read about the flavors your pallet is not yet sophisticated enough to identify, by reading the ingredients on the wrapper. There may not be 23, but damn it, you'll know what they freakin are.