Been a while since I've blogged, been writing but for another venue and haven't felt the need to bother anyone with posting, but I'm gonna get back into it .. . I know, your relieved.
Anyhoo, wasted time writing the following gibberish in response to a friends MYSPACE survey, here it is for you, in all its glory, plus a picture of what I would look like if ET was my immediate relative.
1. Does anyone know your password to your MySpace besides yourself?
Jesus knows. He knows everything.
2. What was the last thing you ordered at McDonalds?
I ordered the guy behind the counter to go f*ck himself. Which I'm pretty sure he did, in the back, and failed to wash his hands, right before he wrapped up your cheeseburger. Sorry, the truth needs to be told.
3. Are you an emotional person?
No. Absolutely not. How the f*ck could you ask that question? Great, now I'm crying. Damnit I love you so much, I'm so sorry I said that. What was the question?
4. Do you like your name?
No. Hate it. Hate myself. Hate my pants. Pants are easy, I can get them off. Myself well I cant get myself o.... wait a minute, maybe I can. Be right back.
5. Do you believe in love?
I believe in love. I believe in the healing power of forgiveness. I also believe in santa clause, the easter bunny and that Paris Hilton is a lot smarter than we give her credit for.
6. Does the person you like know that you like them?
I'm not sure, but since they filed for that TRO I'm guessing they have an idea. But they have no idea HOW MUCH I like them.
7. What was the last thing you did?
Answered no. 6.
9. Who was the last person you ate with?
Myself, that guy with the name and pants I hate. No, I like his name. But those pants ...
10. What song are you listening to right now?
Shadowman ... yep true. You never heard of it, so tough noogies. My pantless self is grooving to the sounds of Afro Celt Sound System. I'm so unhip I'm hip. So uncool I'm cool. So undressed I'm dressed.
12. Last person who called you?
God. He's not happy.
13. Last thing you ate?
Crow.
14. Last song you sang?
I'm not sure of the name but I think its "My HUMPS" ... Black Eyed Peas, sang it at my friends' father's funeral. They didn't request it, but I think they enjoyed it.
16. Lost a friendship over something stupid?
Over Fargo, North Dakota. I was sitting in business class, she was a beautifull flight attendant, we had really developed something special during the first three hours of my trans continental flight, it was hard not to notice that she kept bringing me drinks, peanuts, smiles and lets be honest, love, but right over Fargo when she ordered me to put my pants back on because I was "upsetting" the other passengers the friendship was OVER. But I wouldn't call the city of Fargo something stupid, that's just closed minded, high falootin los angeles liberal speak. You should be ashamed of yourself.
17. Last thing you drank?
I drank in your picture for about 3 hours straight, without blinking, then I cried. Which was tough, cause the no blinking thing dried out my tear ducts, so I had to throw water on my face to kinda kick start the whole thing. That wasn't working so I added salt to the water and wow, my tears flowed like a river. A salt water river leading to the ocean of my saddness.
18. Last thing you said?
"That's absolute poppycock." True. Just said it outloud after I read the question cause I wanted to say I said it and I did. Your response to my answer may be "that's absolute poppycock" .. think about that. Did I just blow your mind?
19. Where do you wish you were at?
Right in the middle of my mid-life crisis. But I'm not, which is good cause I don't have time for that, I have to go get my Ferrari waxed, then drive over to the motel to meet my mistress and get home before my wife realizes I'm gone.
20. Faked being sick to miss school?
No. I "Acted" sick to miss school, but it wasn't "fake" it was real, very organic and might I add, quite believable. "cough" "cough" Wow I think I'm coming down with something. See? And the oscar goes to ...
21. What time did you wake up today?
I haven't yet.
22. Last person you talked to?
Myself, but I'm not really speaking to me, I'm mad about the whole pants thing.
23. Last person you made fun of?
You. Behind your back. But now I'm coming clean. You don't have a hygiene problem. You actually smell fantastic. (and the oscar goes to ...)
24. What are you wearing right now
A shirt with a picture of kitten hanging onto a tree branch with the words "HANG IN THERE PUSSY" and no pants.
26. What did you do today?
Didn't you read questions 1-26 ... what did you say, who did you talk to, what did you eat, what did you drink, that the f*ck else do you want me to do? Your not my mother so lay off. Sorry mom.
27. Where are you right now?
Right behind you!!! Boo. (funny I'm laughing so hard I wet my pants .. good thing I'm not wearing any)
28. What day and date is it?
Time for you to get a calendar. (still laughing, oh my god, I am SOOO funny)
29. Did you go anywhere today?
To hell and back in my mind on this survey, with you baby - with you as my passenger and God as my co-pilot and the co-pilot is drunk on cheap whiskey and I'm high as a kite and no one, NO ONE is wearing pants.
30. What did you do there?
This. I'm doing this there. I'm doing this there then. I'm doing this there then that's the thing. I'm doing this there then that's the thing, though there's that thing, that thorium, that Theresa threw through the thoroughfare - that's thoroughly thimbolic. (thorium is
a chemical element of atomic number 90 - take a science class why don't you. And thimbolic, well I have a lysp, thanks for mocking me you prick)
31. Where else are you going today?
NOt gonna say words that start with "th" anymore.
32. Are you watching TV?
No. I'm living it man, living it. Living it and loving it and lying on it and lying to it. What was the question?
33. Are you mature or immature?
Guess.
34. Are you closer to your mom or dad?
I'm closer to your mom. That's right. BURN!!!!
36. What school do you go to?
The school of "your never too old to waste time answering these goofy bulletins that are written by 15 year olds and no that doesn't make you that sad or creepy or maybe it does." Have you heard of it? It's in Burbank. I think Will Smith's kids go there now.
37. Whats the most annoying thing people say to you?
"Do people always tell you you look just like Brad Pitt? Cause they shouldn't."
38. Do you like music?
No I hate music and nature and puppies.
39. Do you want to get married?
Is this a formal proposal? I'll have to think about it. Can we have an open relationship?
40. Where was your last out of state trip?
Everywhere I go I'm in the right state of mind baby, so I've never been out of state. Not sure what that means but I'm sticking with it. Have you seen my pants?
41. Where did you go on vacation last summer?
Prison.
43. Do you like roller coasters?
Only large black ones.
44. Is there anything you wish for every summer?
Sex on the beach. The drink. NO not the drink, sorry, got confused, the other one.
45. Do you use chopsticks?
Only when I make my bed.
46. What's your favorite meal of the day?
The one you bought for me. Bye the way, I'm hungry.
47. Who are you thinking of right now?
St. Lucius. Dont' know who that is or even if it is or was a real person but the name just popped into my head. And Jenna Jameson. Coincidence? I don't think so.
48. Concerned about life right now?
Whose? Yours? Life in general? The life on that new planet they discovered? The fact that the Supreme Court's new ruling on partial birth abortions may or may not be the first step down a slippery slope to overrule Roe v. Wade and make a determination about when life begins. Nope. No concerns at all.
49. Have you ever tripped going up the stairs?
Up the stairs. Down the stairs. In the stairs. With the stairs. On the stairs. Under the stairs. Under the stars with you tripping into the beautifull abyss of love. I've said to much.
50. What are you looking forward to this summer?
Sun dresses. Makes the fact that I hate my pants kinda moot. Plus they make me feel kinda free and all. Oh, I'm also looking forward to the survey some 15 year old will post asking about what I did during the summer, if I told my crush she was groovy, what I ate, what I did, if I liked my name during the summer, if I wore pants. oh yeah, looking forward to that, and the inevitable shame and self loathing that will rise like bile in my throat as i sit at my computer and answer it. And cry. Without pants.
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