A MYSPACE SURVEY, 30 THINGS YOU'LL WISH YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT ME

FROM A MYSPACE SURVEY:
(yes, I'm on myspace. no, I don't use it to stalk minors)


30 unknown facts/secrets about yourself:

1. What does your MySpace headline mean?
"Learn to swim" .. do I really need to explain what it means? Do I? Really? Really? Isn't it obvious? Fine, it means Mel Gibson is an anti-semite.

2. Elaborate on your default photo: (FYI its a mugshot)
Bad night. Bad choices. I swore she was 18.

3. What's your middle name[s]?:
Danger. Matthew. Guess which one I like best.

4. Hey where is number 4?
Right between three and five, tryin to be all cool because its an even number, realizing its easily divisible but, in all honesty, feeling a little insecure because its surrounded by prime numbers and hey, even numbers may be easy to divide, but primes, man primes can only be divided by themselves. Tough bastards.

5. What are you wearing right now?
A self confident smirk on my face, kind of diggin the whole prime number thing I just wrote. Besides that, underwear. A tshirt.

6. What is your current problem?
You. You are my current problem. You with your questions with no answers. Your look of disdain. Your self important swagger. Your judging. Your "yoga body" that you show off in tight revealing clothes while making jokes about my physique. Your ability to spell without a spell check. Your ability to make everything you touch into gold. Except my heart. My heart, the one thing you've touched and turned to stone. You. Your my problem.

7. What do you love most?
Scarecrow. Oh no, I'll miss him most. What do I love most. I don't know. I don't know. I wish I did. Then I'd love that knowing. Perhaps I'd love knowing what I love the most, the most.

8. Who makes you most happy?
Sometimes people I don't even pay to make me happy make me happy. Otherwise, its usually people I pay to make me happy. Sometimes, I make myself happy but that's never cheap.

9. Are you musically talented?:
Yes. Yes I am. I can rap like K-Fed, sing like that asian kid from American Idol, and bang out a piano tune like a spider monkey on crack.

10. If you could go back in time, and change one thing, what would it be?
Anything? LIke in the history of the world? I don't know, maybe what I'd do is go back to the beginning of it all, sneak up to Adam and say ... "hey man, listen, I know she's hot an all, but don't eat the apple. I can't really tell you what's gonna happen, but shits gonna go bad." Then, when he's off doing stuff, I might hook up with Eve. Cause then I could come back to this world and say, "I HAD SEX WITH EVE" that's pretty cool. I might also go back further, to right before the big bang and say "HEY GOD, MAYBE YOU SHOULD RECONSIDER, WE'RE JUST GONNA PISS YOU OFF."

11. If you MUST be an animal for ONE day-what would you be?
Just one day? My girlfriend tells me I'm an animal every damn night. That's not true. I don't have a girlfriend. I'd be a kitten. A real cute one so that a real pretty girl would take me home and cuddle me and lay me down in bed with her, and then, in the morning, when she wakes FABLAM!!! I turn back to me, but I have no clothes on and she's still cuddling me and I show her what a real animal I am. MEOWWRWRWRW. OK, fine, I'd be an eagle. But not one that hangs in Philly, I hate those fuckers.

12. Ever have a near death experience?
Yeah, I almost got married.

13. Can you sing?
Can Keanu act? Can Haley Joel Osmet drink under the influence? Can M. Knight Shamalamadingdong make a movie that even comes close to the 6th sense? I'll leave that to you my brutha.

14. What's the name of the song that's stuck in your head right now?
King without a Crown. I mean its amazing, I can't get it out of my head. Its so freakin loud its almost like there are speakers surrounding me playing ... oh, yeah, its playing on my ITUNES. That's right. That's how I roll. Multifreakinmedia.

15. Who did you cut and paste this from?
Edith.

16. Name someone with the same b-day as you.
You. No. I don't know. I know that Julius Ceasar was killed on my birthday. Not because it was my birthday. But sometimes, when I'm feeling lonely, I like to think that he was killed for my birthday. Like there was this grand conspiracy to appease me. So when Julius turned to his boy Brutus and said "Et tu Brute?? Et tu?" Brutus responds with "Well, its Tom O'Keefe's birthday man, we thought this would be nice" and Julius could say "maybe you should just get him a cd or an xbox game or something" then Brutus says "yeah, well we thought about that but the senators were all fighting about which one to get him, we didn't know what he had, so we thought this would just work out best" and then Julius would say .. "yeah, ok, well, I have to go die now, just wish him a happy birthday for me" and then he dies.

17. Have you ever destroyed someone's property?
Does their heart count? Their self confidence? Their belief in the kindness of human kind? No, then the answer is no. I did destroy my own property .. had an IKEA dresser that I hacked up with an axe and burned in a fireplace because it reminded me of an exgirlfriend. No, that's not true, at least the dresser held my clothes ... what did she ever do for me???

18. Have you ever been in a physical fight?
No, but I'm arranging a mental showdown with Mike Tyson, I hope he doesn't over intellectualize my ear.

19. Have you ever sang in front of a big audience?
I don't know if I'd call them "big," sure some of them could stand to lose some weight, but who couldn't. I'd say they were "average" but all real good people deep down inside, you know, past where all the pizza and ho-ho's go to rest in their big fat people bellies.

20. What's the first thing you notice about the OPPOSITE sex?
The fact that they are of the opposite sex. That's really cool. Then the fact that they have nothing but total disdain for me and want to stomp on my heart .. that gets me going. Then, honestly, the face, and I picture what it will look like when it stares at me real hard and says "I NEVER LOVED YOU." That gets me going.

21. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
Overpriced Coffee. Half assed service.

22. Do you have a crush on one of your myspace friends?
You. Will you be my friend? Will you hold my hand and say everything will be alright? Will you take that hand and place it on your bosom and say "I'm here for you"? Will you say "I'd do anything to be in your top 8 you strapping sexy hunk of a man?"

23. Ever had a drunken night in another country?
Yes. Does New Jersey count?

24. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
If one more person says "man you look JUST LIKE Brad Pitt" I'm gonna go nuts, especially that Angelina Jolie chick, she just can't get off my jock. That's a lie. She gets off it every once in a while to go take a nap or sumpin or go to Africa to feed hungry kids or sumpin, than she's right back on there like my own personal human fruit of the looms ... FABLAM!!!!

25. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows?
I never watched "kiddy movies", my friend sent me those mpeg files and told me it was the paris hilton video. I had no idea.

26. Did you have braces?
Yes. And I was fat. And I had zits. And I was lonely. And people made fun of me. Nothing has changed. Except I don't have braces and they didn't fucking work.

27. Are you comfortable with your height?
I'm thinking of changing it.

28. What is the sweetest thing someone's ever done for you?
One time this beautifull woman said "put your money away, that one's on the house, now put your pants on and leave." That's not true, I still had to pay and I didn't have any pants.

29. Do you speak any other languages?
Love.

30. Whats your fav scent?
That's you, when your sleeping and you don't know I'm there. Except your breath, maybe you could pop a breath mint or something before you nod off, cause it really distracts from the whole me stalking you in your sleep thing.