OK, you play poker, do you HAVE to be an asshole and a slob?

Before I ever stepped one foot in Las Vegas, I remember having a vision of gambling and casinos straight from the movies. I know, I know, its ridiculous, men in dinner jackets, women in gowns, smoking drinking, smiling politely as they gamble their money and cares away. This vision was quickly shattered, or more appropriately to borrow a line from TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG "pooped on" when I first walked into Ceasar's Palace a few years back. Now, as far as casinos go, its not bad. Gaudy, loud, bright - huge statues of Roman Emperor's - the hint of Caligula esque activities brewing in the rooms above. But whatever idea(l) of vegas I had in my mind, it was washed away when I saw "toothless joe." I don't think that's really his name, his name may not even be Joe, but toothless he was. Shirtless he was. Shoeless he was (didn't feel it appropriate to name him shoeless joe, that man had enough problems). But he had a smoke in his mouth. And a big plastic cup full of quarters. And he was happy as a clam. The scary thing about Toothless Joe, the real scary thing ... noone else seemed to notice him. No one else seemed to care. As I looked around I realized that there were a lot of people dressed in the same "spirit" as toothless joe and I thought to myself, for the one millionth time, DAMN YOU HOLLYWOOD, DAMN YOU FOR YOUR LIES.

So I no longer have this idea that people in casinos should dress a certain way, or infact wear any clothes at all. But aren't we all getting a little sick of the poker players who dress like complete slobs? I went to the Commerce Casino the other night to check out some poker and I was the best dressed guy in the room. Hey that's saying something, that's completely fucking sad. Listen, if some fat bastard wants to sit around all day wearing his sweat shorts and an athletic team t-shirt (as if to say, "no I don't play on the team, but I may have eaten a couple of the players") that's fine. DO IT AT HOME. PLAY ON LINE POKER. But if your gonna go out in public have a little class please. I know, some people think its great to dress like a compete pig and make a lot of money at the poker table, its like the ultimate casual friday, every freaking day, but have a little self respect. But on some pants. For the love of GOD, PUT ON SOME FREAKIN PANTS.

The clothing is not even the worse part. Most of these bastards are rude. Not just to other players - that's fine, that could be a strategy, you could be trying to put someone on tilt, or, more likely, you could be an asshole. That's fine. But they are rude to the staff. The wait staff. The people who bring them food and drink so they can gorge themselves at the table - often without the use of rudimentary utensils, or napkins even. I watched this guy stand up and eat half a watermellon, cut up into five slices, as the seeds jumped out of his mouth, landing on his shirt, the floor, the chairs, and he didn't even care. I wanted to take that guy out back and introduce him to the business end of a louiseville slugger. It was gross. And it was the norm. In the majority of people (and many of these are professional poker players, playing big tables, every damn night) This other jack off was yelling at the waitress "bring me more nuts, hurry up, two bags, now." No "thank you." No "please." What balls on this guy. What nuts. Didn't his momma treat him right? "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!????"

I guess when you think about it, poker is a game that was played by drunk, smelly, cowboy types who often shot eachother over a bad hand. So class and manners never figured in to the equation. But does it have to be that way? Can't it be a little bit more like CASINO ROYALE? We don't have to dress up, but clothes shouldn't be optional. Sweatpants should be reserved for people who sweat, via physical activity, not simply because they are morbidly obese. OK, OK, maybe hot little tarts that have words like JUICY and DELICIOUS on their sweatpants asses may be permitted to wear them, but that should be it. And as far as manners go ... somebody should slap these bastards around. Taking my money is one thing, but being rude to people ... I think its time to bring back Miss Manners, and I think this time Miss Manners should be packin heat.