The answer is not bold. Its old folks, old. Yes I'm having a bit of a poor pitiful pearl party, there's no doubt about that. The cold doesn't help, nor does looking in the mirror and going "GAWD, HOLY CRAP YOU LOOK OLD."
Now am I old? Relatively yes, clearly older than I was when I posted my last blog .... over a year ago (And let me take this time to apologize to all my readers, all none of you, for ignoring you for so long. Of course, my only constant reader, who I have been ignoring, is me .. kind of. And by writing, I mean computer aided ranting and rambling. It's been a year of Shakespeare and theater for me, a huge and welcome change to my life, and I found my ability to and desire to put my own words down, fairly difficult. Now that I have a wee bit of a break before my next job - a fairly significant break of three months - I've decided to rant and rave and ramble a bit more. If for anything, to reawaken that part of me.) But old. OLD. I'm looking at pictures of myself from a year ago and feeling I've aged 10. Maybe I should just stop looking at pictures of myself.
I think part of it is that I really don't have a plan right now. A plan for my life. OK, so that's a little dramatic. I have a plan, a plan to continue making a living as an actor - the only difference is that last year I was on a path to focus on tv, commercials, stand up and hope to crack through the celluloid barrier of film. Now, while the big screen and small screen are places I want to be - the stage is my big picture goal. At least for now. Especially the classical stage. Especially Shakespeare. Which, in case you didn't know, isn't one of the more financially sound occupational choices one can make. But I'm happy to make it, I'm honored to have the chance to make it true and I'm proud of the work I've done, especially over the last few months.
But the past is past and now, now my life is on pause. To be more thematically appropriate, lets call it an intermission. I just finished 10 months of working in theater as an actor then as a director. I have nothing planned till the Spring. Now what do I do? If I were a true nomad, a real artist, if I truly gave myself up to the freedom of not having to have a plan for every moment, I'd head to Europe, or travel up and down the Coast, or ... well, just relax. RELAX. Take a break. Breathe. Sleep. Then move on. And I'm trying to do that, I really am. But there's still that part of me, the type-A, ex-attorney, stressed out son of Jack O'Keefe that feels like I'm wasting time not doing anything, not having a plan. That this intermission merely highlights the dangers of non-traditional life I have embarked upon - what if I never work again? What if I never have a place of my own? What if I end up an old(er), hairy(er) hobo? (What's the difference between a hobo and an artist? The hobo has better credit.) And by "highlights the dangers" I really mean that it awakens that bitch goddess of judgment. Not just the judgment of others "you don't have an apartment?" "you don't know what your doing next" "you sure you don't want a haircut?" More potent than the judgment of others is the judgment of myself. This is probably the time when the underscored music starts to build as the Blogger starts communicating via text that he's discovering something important about himself. But I can't hear the music because I'm switching between episodes of America's Top Model and Dr. Drew's Sex Rehab (I haven't had television for a year, give a man a break).
So I feel old. Maybe what I really feel is doubt about myself and what I'm doing. That and fear. Fear of the unknown. As a recovering Catholic I know a lot about fear of the unknown, there are times it feels my life was predicated on that fear: do well in school or else; get a good job and make money or else; go to church and behave yourself or when you die. I'd like to think I'm past that, but right now I'm not sure. I feel that I've lost a bit of that youthful rebellion that inspired me to quit the law, to cancel the wrong wedding, to pursue a life of passion as opposed to one of safety. To embrace the unknown. To explore. To have no fear. At Shakespeare & Company, an amazing institution I was proud to be a part of the past 7 years, they embrace the unknown (as a theatre company walking the razor's edge of financial ruin, they must). Every time we had an opportunity to celebrate a success, we always raised a glass to the Unknown. That's kind of fantastic isn't it? Celebrating the unknown as opposed to fearing it. That's what I need to do. I think I can do that. I think I can, once again, stop acting my age, and start living. Will I dear reader? (It's only rhetorical because I'm the only one reading this) Either way, I'll likely end up blogging about it sooner or later.
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4 comments:
I find that breathing always helps;-)
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