Reflections on Turkey Day

Last year, on Thanksgiving, I wrote the following post:

So here we are again. Thanksgiving. A day to give thanks. The day to give thanks, as if we shouldn't give thanks every other day ... but yes, today's the day to give thanks.

A particularly weird one for me, first time I'm not spending it with my family or future family. Future family? What the hell does that mean? Well. I'll say it like this, at this time last year, on Thanksgiving, my stomach was in knots as I asked my girlfriend's father for his blessing, for permission to propose. No, not to him, to his daughter, my girlfriend. Permission was granted, though he likely regrets that now ... see, because the next day I followed through with my stated intentions - I proposed, and she said yes. We were in her home town, it was the day after thanksgiving, it was our 3 year anniversary, it was perfect.

Here I am, a year later, she's moved away, I now have roommates -- roommates that aren't her -- the engagement broken, the wedding cancelled, the only anniversary to be celebrated merely the calendar passing of a former anniversary. And to top it all off, I can't go home to see my family because of work. I know, I know boo freakin hoo for me, I'm just saying. And I don't know who the hell I'm justifying this too, since I'm pretty sure I'm the only guy reading this.

I'm still thankfull, for everything, for life, for love, for love lost, for family, friends, health etc.. I'm just saying ... This is the first time in a long time, perhaps ever, that thanksgiving is just another day. Albeit a day where I can eat and drink as much as I want and watch football with out feeling too bad about it. I'm willing to bet, however, i will feel bad.

here's to you, here's to turkey day, here's to next year's celebration being a bit better.

Yeah, I know, boo freakin hoo.
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As I posted "here's to next year's celebration being a bit better," I’m back to evaluate whether it was. Or wasn't. Cause I'm sure you are dying to know. And by YOU I mean Me cause I'm the only person reading this trash. And yes, yes, I can insult my own ranting.

I visited my family for thanksgiving. Not my entire family - not the uncles, the aunts, the cousins whom you claim you want to see more of but really don’t. The people to whom you have spent countless hours with throughout your lifetime just because you sprouted from a singular family tree. (this is not to say I don't like my relatives, I like many of them, there are some, however, I would prefer not to spend time with, and still others I will, to this day, deny I have any relation too) Not even my entire nuclear family (I like referring to them in terms of WMD's because sometimes, shit blows up) because while I went to Connecticut to see most of my siblings some did not join us in the joyous celebration of the day in which the Pilgrims began infecting the Native Americans with their English viruses.

My Dad did not join us - he was spending the holiday with his new wife. In North Carolina. Because he loves her more than us. NO that's not true, or maybe it is, but the man wanted to stay home and, more than likely, have sex with his new wife (and when I say new wife I mean new to him, not necessarily new, he didn't go out and marry some young bimbo which is to his credit, according to some schools of thought), but methinks he wanted to avoid the other WMD's all gathered together. My one sister, who lives down south, thought it was TOO MUCH to travel all the way from NC (do I complain that I traveled from Los Angeles? But she has 3 kids. Is that really my fault? Is it my fault I'm single with no kids and only half a life on a good day?). So she had a relaxing turkey day. And good for her. And my brother. No he didn't come. He's a Jehovah’s Witness and while I'm unsure of the tenants of that religion, I'm gonna assume that one of them outlaws the eating of turkey, or stuffing, or pie. So its only natural that he would not join us for the pagan holiday of Thanksgiving. But, I'm the youngest of 6 so even though the non-pagan, the newlywed and the stress queen couldn't make it, the rest did. But was it fun? Was it better than last year?

It was. It was different. But good. When you’re young, holidays are a blast. The family gets together and if the family is as much fun as mine CAN be, its great. But when your older, holidays act like a magnifying glass on your life. That's not quite right, they don't just magnify, they intensify everything. Your relationships. Your lot in life. Your view of others' lives. Relationships, etc...

My nieces and nephews are all getting bigger and smarter than me. I can see that in their eyes I am transforming from the cool, fun uncle to the sad, dorky, lonely, old guy who can still make them laugh while he cries on the inside.

My sisters still tend to treat me like the baby of the family. And no, its not because I'm wearing diapers, but because I am the youngest. Along with that, I consistently get the "oh yes, Thomas was mom's favorite," jokes and jabs. And you know what, if my siblings do feel that I was "the favorite" I'm sure that must feel awful, but here's a news flash - its not my fucking fault so back the fuck off. (thank you, I feel better)

But I love them all and, while I wonder why they should, think they feel the same about me - how could they not - I'm the favorite.

But it does intensify your look on life. I have no problem being single - I'm in my 30's, never married, obviously I'm quite good at being single. What I mean to say is, I don't need to be married to be complete. But during the holidays, when I look around and see everyone's families, there is a part of me that thinks ... I'm not part of the club and I never will be. I'm not too sure how I feel about that. It does remind me of what mom used to say, "I fear you'll never be married, but you'll never be lonely," and while I could offer up a couple married people who are in fact lonely - thanks to a bad marriage, it makes me wonder if she was right about me. Is that so bad?

Who knows people? Who knows?

All in all it was a good thanksgiving. But do you wanna know what was best about it? The love? No. The food? No. The laughter? Nope. The memories? Nope. ER. Yep. ER. We all gathered round the television to watch the VERY SPECIAL ER, where a bus crashes and Dr.Abby saves people and John Stamos doesn't shave. And the reason why it made the holiday best, cause there was this new character on it ... I think his name was "DANNY," a new helicopter EMT, and I don't know, there was something about that guy that made me happy. Made us all happy. Made us thankful for stuff and hopeful for the future.

Thank you Danny.

Thanks for everything.

The Frat of Borat

I finally saw "Borat" and yes its funny. Its real freakin funny and smart and I laughed harder than I have in a movie in a long, long time. Its also a movie that made me physically uncomfortable ... I mean, I always knew there were a lot of idiots in our country - racist, discriminatory, homophobic, sexist idiots - out there in our country but I'm always amazed at those who unabashedly show their true colors on camera. And when they do, it makes me uncomfortable. My body tenses and tightens and contorts into positions I am not quite accustomed to as I watch these people do and say these awful and yet hilarious things on camera. It's bad enough that certain people have the capacity to think and feel so outrageously, but to give words and actions to those thoughts, those feelings ... ON CAMERA. HOLY CRAP. HOLY CRAP. It’s amazing. It blows my mind.

What’s even better? Some of these people (and by "these people" I'm not being discriminatory, I'm referring to those people portrayed in "BORAT") have come forward claiming the film "shows them in an unflattering light." Specifically, two gentlemen (and I'm using the term "gentlemen" with distinct sarcasm) have filed suit against the makers of the film claiming that they were tricked into participating in the movie, and that the movie made them “the object of ridicule, humiliation, mental anguish and emotional and physical distress...” These two GENTLEMEN, fraternity boys, are in the film getting drunk, riding in an RV with Borat, and spewing idiotic drunken jerk statements. it just so happens that the statements are overwhelmingly racist and sexist.

How dare these idiots bring this lawsuit? How dare their attorney(s) represent them in this case? I understand waivers and consent and all that crap. I may even go with you when you argue that a person cannot be held to a contract executed while they are drunk. But these guys, these GENTLEMEN, they didn't sign a contract for the purchase of a home - they agreed to go on film. And drink. And talk. And make asses out of themselves. By the looks of the movie, they were having a good ole time ... getting loaded, mugging for the camera, spewing drunken idiotic philosophies on women and minorities that, I'm fairly certain, these guys spew on a regular basis either under the influence or not. They were clearly putting on a show, trying to be funny and clever (which is scary as they were neither). They wanted their shot in the spotlight, and they got it, and the light was NOT flattering. Now they claim they are "the object of ridicule, humiliation, mental anguish and emotional and physical distress ..." good, they should be. Maybe they shouldn't have agreed to go on film. Maybe they should have stopped drinking. Maybe they shouldn't be ignorant college fraternity house stereotypes.

Who knows what will happen. Hopefully the million dollar 20th Century Fox attorneys will sink this loser of a lawsuit before it picks up any steam. Maybe they'll take it to trial and spend weeks showing a jury that the guys who were portrayed as idiots in BORAT are actually idiots in real life. Maybe they'll want to avoid trouble and settle, paying these guys a little something to make them go away, buy more liquor, and reward themselves for being on the bottom of the food chain. Shit people, maybe these guys will get their own tv show. Wouldn't that be funny?

23 Flavors !?!?!?!? I MUST HAVE IT

Have you seen the new Dr. Pepper commercials?? The ones touting the fact that it has 23 flavors. YES, 23 flavors. And, apparently, because it has 23 FLAVORS, you should drink it. It'll make you happy. It'll make life better. In fact, if we are to believe the commercials, just drinking it is liable to make you obsessed with a certain number - yup, you guessed it 23.

Is anyone else confused by this campaign? They don't tell us WHAT the flavors are, just that there are 23 of them. In fact, you can't know what those flavors are ... it’s a freakin secret. On the Dr Pepper website (yes, I have no life), in response to the question ... "what is the flavor of Dr Pepper supposed to be" the response is "Dr Pepper is a unique blend of 23 flavors. The formula for Dr Pepper is proprietary information," which means, in layman's terms, "mind your own freakin business." But, for some reason, the ad campaign gods decided that the public will buy this product, simply by knowing it has 23 flavors. Despite the fact that we don't know what the hell those flavors are.

I've had Dr Pepper, even had it when it still contained punctuation, and it’s a lovely drink. Not quite cola, not quite the un-cola, but something different. I might even venture to say it’s unique. I enjoy its overall flavor. I'm not much of a soda drinker - unless it’s accompanied by a fair dose of bourbon - but if I had to drink soda, I could do worse then the good Doctor. I certainly don't enjoy it because its distinct flavor is created by some alleged cornucopia of flavors to be named later. Truth be told, the fact that it took 23 mysterious flavors to create Dr Pepper is a little disconcerting. 23 is a big number. That's a lot of flavors. Don't you think there is a great possibility of some questionable flavors being a part of that mix?

I have no information to support this, I'm just guessing, I'm pontificating perhaps, this has no basis in fact (so don't sue me), but don't you wonder if maybe, in addition to some commonish soda type ingredients like cherry, vanilla, apple, chocolate, lemon, and lime, there may be some unwelcome flavors such as: liver; potting soil; snozzberries; jimmy's dirty socks; sour grapes; raw squid; the taste of regret? And do you wanna drink that? I don't. But if putting some traditionally nasty flavors together with "more traditional" flavors creates something good .. maybe that's ok. I don't know about that.

But I do know that more is not necessarily better. Not all the time. I'm a big fan of lots of mores ... more money, more power, more sex, more of anything? More of everything. And in the right circumstance Michael Moore and in the proper vehicle, Mandy Moore. But in this case I find it puzzling. Its like they are saying ... "Why by Coke or Pepsi with their handful of flavors when you can have Dr. Pepper ... we have 23 FLAVORS, 23." Can't they just say "hey man, our shit tastes good, its different, its original, drink it, or don't, go screw yourself." But no, they are trying to appeal to the "it has more, it must be better" school of thought. That doesn't always work.

I was gonna conclude this rant by discussing how going the "bigger is better" route usually ends with something largely unsatisfying .... the cinematic fiasco CLEOPATRA is an example, Walter Hudson another, the HUMMER. I would consider that sometimes "less is more" but we all know that, and then someone would likely respond, "well of course you'd say that, your IRISH." And then I would wrap the whole thing up with a witty and clever sentence that leaves the reader totally satisfied. But I'm tired. If you want satisfaction, buy a Snickers. And while your eating it, enjoying its chewy, peanuty, caramel, chocolate experience, you can read about the flavors your pallet is not yet sophisticated enough to identify, by reading the ingredients on the wrapper. There may not be 23, but damn it, you'll know what they freakin are.