LOVE AND MARRIAGE

Recently I traveled to Colorado to marry one of my best friends, his name is Paul. He’s a big mountain of a man, whose gruff bearded exterior serves merely as the protective candy shell to his gooey vulnerable insides. Its because of this almost cliché dichotomy that he represents, that I love him dearly, and as such was so very honored and happy to marry him this weekend, to the love of his life, Malissa. What .. oh, you thought that he and I ...Don’t be ridiculous; I was the minister at their wedding. Something else you should know, they don’t believe in gay marriage in Colorado. Three years ago Colorado State Rep Jim Welker said if we allow gay marriage today, we’ll have to allow marriages between humans and animals tomorrow – which is really the kind of asinine statement I would never expect to come from the mouth of a state representative, I’d expect it to come from someone like Republican V.P. Candidate Sara Palin – give her time people, give her time.

Here’s what I think about those who say “marriage is a sacred union between man and woman” .. I say, LIARS. YOUR marriage may be sacred, hell your marriage should be sacred to you, if its not, get some help, get some counseling or get a lawyer.. but that’s YOUR marriage. You are never going to convince me that all marriage is sacred, and even if I ignore the concept of arranged marriages and the fact that historically some marriages were just another form of indentured servitude, and agree that in some point in our history, in our culture, marriage as an institution, was considered somewhat “sacred,” whatever that means, I would argue that that is no longer the case. “Why would you say that Tom?” - let me give you three reasons: (1) 50% divorce rate; (2) Las Vegas; (3) Brittany Spears. I think we hetero’s have fucked up any rose-colored glasses view of marriage that its time to let the gays take a crack at it … they can’t do any worse. In fact, they’ll probably do a better job. They’ll probably have a lower divorce rate, and why shouldn’t they – they generally seem happier and clearly have better sex lives than we do. And maybe that’s why the good old boy conservatives are so afraid of gay-marriage, if the gays get it right, Cletis may start wondering ...”maybe I should have married Bubba … he’ll let me watch football, keep my car on the front lawn and won’t cry when I hit him too hard.”

If gays are allowed to get married, it will remove from my family the hidden self placating excuse they have for me, as the youngest of six, and the only unmarried (yep, my 4 sisters and brother are all married, one of them loves marriage so much, she’s on her second).. they can no longer think .. maybe he’s not married because he’s gay. If gay marriage is allowed, they’ll have to think … he’s just unlovable. OR, even worse … he thinks marriage is so important that he’d rather never be married then enter into a bad one. And that’s the truth.

At my sister’s second wedding, one of my other sisters took me aside to give me the “you need to get married” pep talk. After many drinks she told me “I think its great that you walked away from your wedding because she wasn’t right for you.” I cancelled my wedding 3 years ago a mere 10 weeks before the day .. Quite simply because I realized my fiance’s wanting to get married could be summed up in the slogan “Marriage: the cure to any imperfect relationship” or “Marriage: my parents were miserable together, why shouldn’t we?” Or “marriage: how else can I justify getting pregnant and quitting my job.” But my sister said … “I think its great that your not willing to marry someone unless they are the right one for you … but I’m so afraid of you growing old alone ... and you’d be such a great father .. It’d be a shame if you didn’t have kids.” What she was saying was … not so much “settle down Tom,” as much as “Tom, settle.”

Perhaps your thinking “Tom you don’t sound like the guy I’d call to conduct my marriage ceremony.” I’d agree with you, when Paul and Malissa called me up to ask if I would do it … I did one of those, “this is Tom O’Keefe .. You know that right?” Besides perhaps being emotionally under-qualified for the job, I didn’t seem to meet the job requirements. Last I checked, I wasn’t a minister or a reverend or a priest .. I was an altar boy many years ago but I’m pretty sure that didn’t give me the authority to marry people … though in elementary school I did wear that badge of authority to do just that ... to marry a number of couples under the big oak tree at Wing Street elementary school.

Yep, when puberty began striking the hearts and groins of the students at Wing Street, I spent less time chasing the women and more time marrying them to the little jerks that would never truly appreciate them. I was an altar boy, so it seemed like a natural thing to do.

The first couple I married was Laura Kim Hogeland and Richard Schelp. It was a big deal; kind of like Princess Die and Prince Charles cause Laura Kim was kind of a celebrity. First off she was Korean AND Jewish and that was like a rare exotic delicacy in Long Island in the early 80’s. On top of that, she got her period before any other girl, before any of us knew what the hell a period was - I thought she was crying because she hated punctuation. I was never a fan of grammar myself.

I married a couple couples, none of them lasted, most of them most of them ended in make believe divorce by the end of recess, a service I was also happy to provide – which was good training for my brief future stint as a lawyer. That’s right I could marry you, divorce you and do your homework - I was a full service nerd.

I think I did the marrying to impress the girls, not the ones I was marrying, but I kind of hoped that my nuptial powers would seduce a make believe bridesmaid or two. In hindsight, I never really thought that plan though, you don’t hear lots of stories of women swooning over their ministers.. unless they’re republicans of course. Maybe I just enjoyed helping these kids celebrate their puppy love. Kind of made me feel a little bit like cupid – I guess a lot like cupid, I had blonde curls, I was a rubinesque child, all I needed was a set of wings and a bow and arrow.

What I think my marrying past shows is that at that young age I connected happiness with marriage – which was instilled in me, no doubt, by my parents. My parents’ marriage wasn’t perfect, but it was sacred to them. They kept their vows: richer/poorer; sickness/health; and till death did them part … as if they were solemn promises made before man and god and the flora and fauna of the world .. you know, as if they were VOWS.

So maybe it’s not that odd that Paul and Malissa would ask me to be their celebrant. While I have yet to tie the knot myself, I think there is true beauty in the commitment that two people make to each other when they find the kind of love that deserves a sacred institution. As opposed to the romantic relationships I often have which deserve another kind of institution all together.

I accepted their request, and I became a minister … yes, I am now Reverend Thomas Matthew O’Keefe of the Universal Life Church. It was a difficult process, it involved me getting online, entering my name, my address and my email and then waiting. A whole 24 hours. Till I was ordained. Via email. It was a fairly anti-climactic experience. I sent myself flowers.

The wedding was pretty wonderful. And, I don’t mind saying, I did my job well. The experience made me realize something, I tried to explain it to my dad, but he’s two busy praying for my soul - apparently becoming a minister of another church gets you excommunicated from the Catholic Church. Who knew? The Church and I were on a trial separation anyway. That relationship was never going to last. But what I realized … it doesn’t matter who marries you, the celebrant is a mere formality … just as in the paperwork, the flowers and the rings. The only thing that really matters is that two people choose to love and be loved by each other without limitation. In the ceremony we used a quote from Rilke’s “Letters to a Young Poet” - “Love is a great demanding claim on a person, something that chooses him and calls him to vast distances. Love, it is the ultimate, it is perhaps that for which human lives are as yet barely enough.” If you have that kind of love, what more do you need?

I may be single, but I hope I find that kind of love someday. For those of you who have found it, congratulations, you are among the lucky few. For those who haven’t, I really hope you do find it. And when you do, and if you choose to get married, remember all you need is the love you have for each other. If, however, you want that love recognized by the state, you do need a celebrant of some sort, and when you do, call me, my prices are reasonable, I have openings and I can be found on Facebook, Myspace, and www.ministeroflove.org.