If I Could Talk to the Animals ...

My friend Sean, host of the "look how cool technology and the future and shit is" website (http://hubber.blogspot.com/) is often sharing fanciful stories of the future with me. No, he's not a science fiction writer, start trek geek or scientologist, he works for this pseudo think tank like place called Institute For The Future, or Institute of Tomorrow, or Place where guys smoke dope and talk about what’s to come. Many of these stories are not products of his over active imagination, but rather factual accounts of other people's work. He has his finger on the pulse of the future or up the nose of the future or, I'm pretty sure, scratching the ass of the future. But he knows things and some of these things he tells me. For example, I was sad to find out he does not think cars will fly, that we won't have jet packs, and there's no foreseeable cure for the Irish Curse in the near future. But what will the future hold? Sean told me that some sick bastard is developing technology so that humans can speak with dogs and cats. Which makes sense - in an age of rapidly growing poverty, civil unrest, genocide and overall stupidity how can science better contribute to the world then making it possible for us to speak with our dogs?

Now I'm sure the people at PETA are all excited about this prospect so that the little four legged furry critters they've been devoting their lives to can finally turn around and say "thanks, thanks for all you've done." And I hope, just a little bit, that our grateful canines also manage a "now that I can speak for myself maybe you should go and, I don't know, grab a shower, get a haircut, save yourself." No, no, no, I'm not here to rail on PETA people, I think most of what they do is good and sound and in light with God's plan or Man's plan or someone's plan that I as of yet have not been made privy to. But I'm all for the ethical treatment of animals, of plants, and in some cases people. I do, of course, have issues with fanatics. Fanatics of any cause be it animal or vegetable or mineral. Thus, if a vegetarian chooses to be as such for ethical or health or celebrity reasons I'm fine with that, I'm just not a big fan of being persecuted for eating a hamburger. Maybe I shouldn't eat a hamburger, maybe I should try a veggie burger, or maybe just not eat. Maybe I should try and get such burger from a farm that treats its animals with dignity before they kill them, perhaps giving them a 21 gun salute before cracking their skulls. But don't try and tell me that its just flat out wrong to eat animals. Here's the thing, if you can show me a Lion on the Serengeti opting for a bean patty over a tasty gazelle maybe, MAYBE, I'll buy the "animals shouldn't be food" argument.

But holy crap I'm getting off topic. Allow me ...

So yeah, someone's inventing a Dr. Doolittle machine. Not sure its the actual name of the invention or "process" or "system" but it works for me. This is a frightening prospect isn't it? Now if this invention will merely monitor, calibrate and then "explain" the vocal sounds and behaviors of animals, translating them into likely commands or expressions .. as in "I'm hungry," "I'm thirsty," "I just shit on your bed," then it makes sense. Doesn't make sense that one would spend the time and money on such an invention cause, despite the increasing prevalence of animal therapists I think dogs and to a lesser degree cats are fairly easy to comprehend. But, BUT, BUUUT, if this invention could somehow allow animals and humans to communicate like, well, like humans .. well then prepare yourselves my children cause the end of the world is near.

Its a difficult concept to comprehend, but then again so is the celebrity of Ryan Seacrest. The fact is, lets allow ourselves to believe it COULD happen. Believe that animals could communicate with us, that we could communicate with them, that we could understand each other. Sure, sure, most animals have tiny little brains and would be unable to handle the higher functions of reason, deliberation and complex communication. Perhaps those animals could run for political office, star on a reality show or keep Paris Hilton company. But assuming they could talk .. really ...REALLY TALK .. well for fuck's sake I'd think that pretty much proves there is no God. Why? Cause what's the next step? Animal equality? Animal suffrage? Maybe, maybe .. but what's worse .. WORSE ... bestiality would take center stage on the world consciousness.

Now come on, I know your thinking .. "gross, now your just trying to get a rise out of me." And I agree, it is gross, its ungodly, its unspeakable. But if discussing bestiality gets a rise out of you, get help, go to a therapist, stay the fuck away from my dog. But think about it, THINK ABOUT IT. Those who practice bestiality, those who think about practicing bestiality, those who can't get human dates, would start fighting to legalize it. Their argument ... "IT WAS CONSENSUAL."
I know, I know, its sick and twisted and wrong but you know, YOU KNOW, some backwater, white trash, troubled soul will be exploring his options with the neighbors dog on some lonely, hot, sticky summer night and convincing himself that the dog was totally into it cause in his opinion, be they dog or human, "no really means yes."

And why stop there .. why stop with the disgusting concept of animal human sexual congress, lets go further to animal/human love, animal/human marriage, animal/humans in the baby carriage. I don't think anyone wants that, and if they do, excuse me for saying so, they should be put down like Old Yeller. But they'll be out there, forced underground (though not forced underground by the sweet and swift hand of death) to form sad, sick membership organizations such as NAMALA - The North American Man Animal Love Association. Groups that, lets be honest, deserve to hold their meetings at ground zero on a nuclear test site. And despite how awful their desires, how grotesque their dreams, how offensive their mission statement, the ACLU will be right behind them, defending their asses in court.

So, yeah, the Dr. Doolittle machine, maybe that shouldn't happen.